My Day.

I hate settling.

I get restless the second things get mundane and routine. It was easier to deal with when I was younger, but not so now. I have commitments to keep, other people who are affected by my decisions, and I am intensely aware of this now more than ever.

Today was one of those days when I kind of.. sunk. Into myself, I guess, I’m not sure, but it definitely felt bleak. So I went and had some non-veg lasagna at Sweet Chariot, and headed to Time Out.

Books make me happy. It’s not something I can explain. Their newness, their crispy pages, their sheer number. I like running my fingers over their spines, smiling at the ones I’ve read, looking longingly at the ones I wan’t but can’t have, and looking grimly at the ones that I am determined to buy some day. I must look like a total dork in a bookshop, but I can’t help it.  I picked up a fresh, warm looking copy of Jane Eyre that I need to read for college anyway.

Then I headed over to the stationary section. The handmade paper notebooks.. sigh. I just want to grab them all and fill them with everything I can. They also happen to be ridiculously expensive, so I didn’t pick anything up, but I will succumb soon enough, I know I will. I also did a quick round of the Post-it and notebook section.

And after this I felt much, much better.

Flavours

I sit here in a sea of numbers, for once they please me and almost everyone else. I sit in class, breaking rules, as I message the fractals, the grades. 26/30, three A+’s.

I’m not ashamed to admit these are new, novelty. This wasn’t the case always. I’m happy now, but I wasn’t unhappy then. Call it callousness, call it suppression, call it whatever the hell you want. I curse now, I cursed then. I eat chaat from the roadside, and I survived typhoid. I ate at an expensive restaurant, and I recovered from gastroentitis.

I fight with my boyfriend, my father, my mother, my dogs and even my cat. I fight, I insult, I abuse. I throw words, harsh and unforgivable, and in turn I get them thrown back at me. And I learn to live, to sustain, to rebuild. Physics runs through me as I traverse through being malleable, brittle, transparent and opaque all at the same time. I know I’m living, as I jostle through the sweaty armpit women in the front of the bus as they glare at me. I glare back.

I know I’m living when I see you. With your obsession for marks, your refusal to bunk class, clinging on to every definition of ‘a good girl’ that you can find. Lets go for a movie. No. Lets go out. No. Lets – No no no no.

I want to shake you. Rattle you, pull you out of the haze that surrounds you, that makes you think your marks card will get you everywhere. It wont. Even if it does, I wouldn’t want to be there, if all it means is go to college, attend class, go home. You look at me strangely when I ask you what you’re going to tell your children when they ask you about college. Did you bunk class, Mom? No. Did you see that movie, Mom? No. Did you – No no no no.

And you sigh and shake your head.

”We wont get attendance”

The Valentine’s Day Post :)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I may come from the same town as a certain anti-Valentine’s day character, but hey, there are some of of us who’d like to think we make up for the bad cookie’s from the factory :)

I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, so here goes my list of Top 5 all-time favorite love songs !

Bed of Roses – Bon Jovi

While we’re talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
About love and the truth and
What you mean to me
And the truth is baby you’re all that I need

This song is very, very special! There is no way I can begin this list without this song being right on top. When I listen to this song, it reminds me of new beginnings, of realization, and of conversations in the rain :)

Run – Snow Patrol

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we’ll make it anywhere
Away from here

Ah, Grey’s Anatomy! I watched a fanvid of Meredith and Derek somewhere, and it had this song in the background. I thought it was a perfect fit ! This song is so full of the pain of impending separation, and yet it’s hopeful at the same time.

Say it Right – Nelly Furtado

Oh you don’t mean nothing at all to me
No you don’t mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me

Ok so this may not be a typical love song, but it’s so full of energy! There was a time when I would listen to this song at least 6 times a day, and I felt like getting up and dancing every time! There’s no innocence in this one, just an amazing sense of seductiveness.

Ee Tanavu Ninnade – Raghu Dixit

I admit, I don’t understand every word of the song but I do get the gist of it , and boy do I love it! I love the music in this song – it supports Raghu’s voice beautifully, making the song so powerful! I first heard this being played live on Christmas Eve ’08 and I will never forget the ambiance OR the excellent company :)

Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing – Aerosmith

And I’m wondering what you’re dreaming
Wondering if it’s me you’re seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we’re together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

June 2, 2007 – a date I will never forget! Aerosmith at Palace Grounds – this show changed my life forever! They didn’t play this song, unfortunately, but it’s my all-time favorite Aerosmith song so I had to put it in :) Although, looking at the circumstances, I really should be putting in Pink as well !

The Question

There’s a distance, I can feel it almost fall through it, it’s so wide. You with your world, and me with mine.

Never the twain shall meet.

I sit and talk, but its taxing, pushing my brain to find something to say that will make you feel like it’s me again. I know you’re looking for traces of our walks to the fence, of the draining discussions, of the reels of notes we wrote in class. I see you scanning what I say, looking for a meaning that’s more than on the surface. I know it’s not possible, but thats all I am now.

You have snow, and I have sun in winter and rain in summer. You have classes I can only dream about attending, and I have home that you miss.

We never saw this coming. We knew changes would come, but never saw the gap between your meanings and my understanding of them. We never saw the question in our minds that we are too afraid to voice:

Who are you, and why don’t you understand me anymore?

UGH.

Hate and disgust are feelings that seems to be invading everything, including myself. I look at the images on my television, and I literally want to throw up. What on earth is going on?

That poor city is still burning, is still sore. Step up and take responsibility, you cowards. We sit here and discuss the political situation in the US, cheer with the rest of the world when we see a change being elected in another country. Why can’t I feel the same way about my government, about my leaders? Why is that when I think of the Indian Government, I think of uncouth, selfish, corrupt old men?

The world is waiting for answers. The country is waiting for answers. We are waiting for answers.

The boy with the gun.

He’s eighteen. That boy with the gun. He has a name, I know, but that would just make him human and I can’t call him human.

You know, I’ve tried to think like him these past few days. Imagined myself as the boy in the black t-shirt with the blue bag, a gun in my hand, a heroic swagger in my walk, and intense burning hatred in my eyes. He’s all over the place, in every newspaper, in every tv grab, inside everybody’s mind. One article I read even called him “handsome”. I imagine him walking around, laughing, yelling out jovially to his “comrades” as they spray bullets into flesh. I imagine the feeling of strength and power that overcomes him as he watches people run, and then fall to the ground. But that is all I can do. I can only imagine.

I will never be him. I am eighteen too, I have the same youth and intensity, but I will never be him.

It frightens me, yet is fascinates me at the same time how much hatred one would have to have to walk in and kill everyone you see. Everything you see. What is it, this force that drives you to do that? I want to ask him. What does he hate so much, and why?

Don’t think about it, I’ve been told. Don’t think about him.

But I can’t. And I won’t be able to forget him for a long time.