Category Archives: Life

Right Hear, Right Now

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Fear.

Panic. Terror. Mistrust. I find myself scrutinizing every human being around me, running away from every bag/ suit case/ parcel. I hate this cold feeling that is sliming its way through my body. I’m too scared to move, too scared to stay still.

B O M B – B L A S T – B O O M

Six, Seven, Eight. Twelve. It can’t happen here. It can’t happen to us.
“We condemn the blast”. Is that the best you can do? Protect us, damn you. Stop throwing money around and DO YOUR JOB. Condemn, condemn , condemn. Such a weak, weak, weak word. It reeks of helplessness.

And you. You. Yes, I’m drawing a line. I’m forced to. Div | ide. That’s what you want isn’t it? To be the other? Does it give you a sense of pride? To hurt. Again weak. Hurt. Pain. Suffer. Grief. This is all I can do. All I can say. You’re a monster, inhuman. You think you’re making yourself heard? You’re not. The sound is deafening. Nobody is listening. We’re far too consumed with something else. With the urge to protect, to seek warmth. To believe. You can’t shake my faith in people. I won’t let you.

Anger. Uncontrollable, immutable rage. My city, my people, my home, my country.

Our country. Do you hear me? OUR country.

Grey

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I feel like a card board cut-out. Two dimensional.

Of who, I don’t know. Myself maybe. I’m tired, so tired every moment. And before you say “It’s because you don’t eat breakfast” no, not that kind of tired. I find myself running from class to class, lecture to lecture, womenwomenwomenwomenwomenwomen all around. My legs just carry me around without me knowing where I am going, just that I have to be someplace. Like I’m on auto-pilot.

Exactly a month ago, I started college. And I just realized that I was probably holding my breath this whole time wondering if someone was going to stop me and say ‘ok time to get back to real life now’ . And then whoosh I would find myself back at school, back in the corridors, back with my school friends and back with the familiar faces all around me.

Do I still want that? Familiar has a new meaning now. Familiar is now brown and cream. Familiar now is the college song, the canteen, the sloping driveways, the notice boards, the three flights of stairs I have to walk to psychology class. Familiar is the wooden benches, the comfort of the studio. Familiar now is ma’am.

I looked at a picture today, and I miss it all. I miss knowing I’d find a seat on the bus. I miss knowing that the bus would arrive on time. I miss knowing that I didn’t have keep track of which stop, that I could sit wherever I pleased. I miss knowing attendance would be taken only twice a day, and not six times. I miss being able to walk into the library any time I wanted to, and borrow anything I liked.

But I’m not holding my breath anymore. Faces are blurry. Schedules are fuzzy. Voices are faint.

I’m in the grey space. The ‘adjusting period’. There’s an explanation to everything.

Madness

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Give in, go on. Don’t be scared – it’s not going anywhere. Run, as far as you can. And stop. The feeling, it’s still there right?

See. I told you.

Not convinced yet? Ok try this.Hold your breath. No, really hold your breath. Until you think your lungs are going to burst out of your rib cage. Until you think, no actually feel, your face going blue. Now breathe. Did it go anywhere? It didn’t!

Face it. It’s here to stay.

(You can wipe that silly grin off your face now)

Reverse Gear

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Years ago, when I was about 6 or 7, my dad had a dream that I had grown up, and  was shaking him awake demanding the keys to the car ( which we had just bought that year). What made the experience surreal was that at that precise moment, I was in fact actually shaking him awake, asking for the keys! I remember the expression on his face, a sort of confused look which later he explained as being one of those how-the-hell-did-time-go-by-so-quickly looks. Then the live me informed him that I simply wanted the tape that was in the tape deck of the car, and therefore, required the keys!

As of today, I am officially licensed to drive a 4-wheeler LMV anywhere in India. So all I have to say (again) is: Daddy, give me the car keys!

Washing away the days

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So, my results came out some time ago. I did pretty ok my two best subjects being Literature and Political Science , and that seems fitting enough since they are the ones I enjoy the most ! I’m happy I decided to continue with Literature in college, but only time will tell if I’ll be any good at it at the degree level. And lets just say, I made the right decision in not continuing with history ;)

I am loving the weather here! I made a post a while ago complaining about the heat and voila! Rain!

I switched to the Advanced Mode on my EEEPC ,and it’s so much better! Customizing my desktop has become so much simpler! Since I still have some time left on my hands, lets see what I can do to personalize this thing more..

“First Commercial, then Brigade”

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I’ve been shopping so much in the past two weeks ! And mostly shoe shopping :) I bought three pairs of “rocksters” ( yes I know everyones been buying those but they are so pretty!) in black, silver and PINK. Well see normally I’m the kind of girl who does her homework in advance when it comes to buying what she wants – which means I ask around, who got the best price from where etc and then I just go to that one store and pick up whatever it is I wanted. Of course, this method applies to only when I KNOW what I want, as opposed to “I’m bored ..wheee lets go shopping !” For the record that happens about in once in 18 years. Seriously. I mean it.

Ok coming back to the pink rocksters – well they were too pretty to resist. I’d originally planned to buy them in functional colours i.e black and silver but the second I laid my eyes on those pink ones hanging in that little galli-shop off Commercial Street (which is where you get them, for those interested) I knew I had to have them ! Now I just have to find something to wear them with – ah, the difficulties of life !

I also bought my first pair of All-Star Converse shoes in navy blue. I kept meaning to buy them over the last two years, and I never got around to doing so! Except they give me a horrible shoe bite, so I’ll have to find some way of getting past that.

If you’re tearing your hair out after reading about my shoe shopping.. When Geetanjali Chitnis goes shopping ( especially on Brigade Road) there is always a trip to a bookstore involved! And this time, to three bookstores. Crossword was my first destination – I wanted to pick up a journal in handmade paper (top secret purposes) and I wanted to pick up a copy of Emma and Persuasion. But then I ran through most of my ‘finances’ buying pretty stationary, so I had to settle on choosing between one of the books. And I wanted Persuasion more than I wanted Emma. But as my luck would have it, Crossword had Persuasion only in a combination with Northanger Abbey, which I already own. So that led to trips to The Bookworm (which also didn’t have Persuasion) and finally, Blossom’s (which did). So yay, now I have Persuasion, the last of Jane Austen’s completed works to be published !

The beauty of second hand books is the inscriptions you sometimes find on the inside of the book jacket :) There was one on the inside of the copy of Persuasion, from a daughter to her mother. The inscription is dated ‘Xmas 1987′ – three years before I was born! I don’t know, I just love knowing that books have their own stories – apart from the one that is printed inside them.

Oh and I forgot to mention – somewhere in between the shopping was a stop at (where else ?) KFC!

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The heat is unbearable. I’m supposed to be living in a city thats famous for it’s pleasant weather. HELLO. Nowhere near pleasant.

I wonder if there is an actual co-relation between high temperatures and high tempers.

Watched Grease finally ( I hadn’t seen it before, yes, ok, shoot me now). I didn’t like it. Olivia Newton John annoys me. She has no idea what she wants during the entire course of the movie. And then the transformation is supposed to make everything ok? Huh?

I got into college. More about that later.